Commitmentphobia - do you have it? What is it, how to beat it.
"I just haven't met the right one." "Something in my gut tells me it's not right." "Her fingernails are too long."
These, and many like them, are the sayings of the commitmentphobe. Not always, but often enough. It, like claustrophobia, is a fear of FINALITY. It is a gut reaction with, sometimes, a physical sensation approaching panic. I know, because I live with it. Trust me, getting married was NOT easy. I proposed and un-proposed three times before it stuck, and each day I'm alive and glad to be discovering new wonders of this new world. More on that later.
Do you find that a girl you were really into is now not nearly as attractive? Did it happen when things were going well? Do you find yourself breaking up and then regretting it? Do you ask everybody you know what they think of him/her? Do you find yourself attracted to him/her sometimes, and not at others?
Odds are you are afraid of the commitment, and the closer you get to it, the more the fear kicks in. It makes you not see the person anymore, and only after you've run away do you again see how great they are. If you've ever returned after a breakup for an encore, this is you.
Let's face it, no one is free from fault. No one ... including you. If you're gonna insist on the perfect match, be prepared to make your peace with loneliness. You can always find an excuse to pin the fear on. I'm not criticizing here, I'm stating a fact. Being aware of it will help you defeat this self-defeating fear.
The causes of commitmentphobia can be many. Childhood experiences, parents in a loveless marriage or worse can all be causes. If you want, a psychologist can help you discover that. It's good to know, but not essential.
The main thing is to know the reactions you have and to get support. Finding a mate who has a lot of patience will help. The most important character trait they should have is being supportive and understanding. You WILL have a responsibility to work on yourself and be there for them, but it will be tough at times, so they should be strong enough for it.
Important ways to calm the fears are to convince yourself that it's: 1) Not the end of the world to be in wrong relationship, because you can always get out of it. 2) Healthy to feel some fear, and that does NOT mean it's the wrong relationship. 3) There are lots of potential great matches, and there is no ONE. If you're thinking about this one, he/she is probably awesome for you.
I sometimes suggest people imagine that they are 85 years old, and they had never married or stayed married and lived their life (mostly) single and alone. Of the people they rejected, who would they say, upon meeting them again, "I should have married you when I had the chance"? If you met your current relationship partner in that scene, would you say to them "I should've married you?"
If so, then whatever is holding you back is NOT the other person, it is your fear. You must find the courage to go on despite the fears, and work towards healing. That is the only way to avoid an irrational fear from blocking your growth as a person.
Our challenge in life is to improve ourselves. Defeating commitmentphobia and finding a partner to help you do that is a real blessing. Go for it.
