Ooooh, sexual fantasies, oooh. Pay attention to them!
What do they tell us about us?
I'm not a sex therapist, nor a psychologist nor an expert at all on this topic. I'm just a guy with some experience and some insights that I think are important.
First off, attraction is a really weird thing. The hottest people go for people who are totally not. Tall for short, average with geniuses, stars with geeks and so forth. The only rule seems to be that there is no rule.
Same thing for what turns a person on. Some like the usual garden variety romancing, necking, making out, etc... Others need to smell your socks. It's weird, there's no accounting for it. At least not too much. Sexual fantasies are where these scenes start.
Now a fantasy that turns a person on is an objective fact. Fantasies don't hurt anyone, actions do. We can't judge the fantasy, only the person. Fantasies, though, are a great INFLUENCER on how we behave, who we choose. Our inner child wants what we fantasize about, and searches for that. That's why it's important to be honest about our fantasies and be aware of when we need to rebuild our self-image.
Two types of fantasies
Romantic fantasies indicate a healthier relationship to sex. Seeing yourself and your partner meeting, greeting and moving together as equals to sexual pleasure speaks clearly of your sense of self and balance in a relationship. The more of these scenes you connect to, the greater your chances of finding a fulfilling relationship easily. I don;t have much to say on this topic.
The other type are what I call UNEQUAL fantasies. These range in extremes from simply submitting to another or them submitting to you, to outright control, domination and kinkiness. They show a somewhat unbalanced sense of self, and, depending on the intensity, should be a warning sign to us. We are prone towards either being abused or abusers.
Submission, domination
How you fantasize is often how you see yourself. Sometimes, you are yourself in the fantasy. If I see myself dominating someone, that may mean I have a need to dominate. It can also mean that I have a need to be dominated, because I really have put myself in the role of the other person in the fantasy. What is telling is the scenario, not necessarily who plays what role. If the fantasy is unequal, where one person is an object for the other, that tells me my views on sex and self imply inadequacy and a "deserving" of abuse and conrol. I don't see myself as a partner, but rather an object or objectifier.
This can come from childhood, from abusive parents, or from early sexual experiences. A lot of "sex" games and "stripping" games happen before we are ten, and they tell us that the stripper is merely to entertain the others. The beginnings of objectification can be here.
In more extreme cases, there was abuse. Abuse needn't be sexual to have a bad effect. A parent who disciplines through hitting can cause very low self-esteem which affects the child's future sexual and romantic relationships as well. Sometimes it can be bullying in school. Parents take note: never tolerate your kids being bullied. Go straight to the school, parents and police if necessary.
What to do?
In any case, if fantasies indicate an unhealthy attitude towards sex, the best weapon is knowledge. Accomodation can be made, you can choose to treat it or live with it in a safe way. That's all fine, as long as no one gets hurt and your romantic emotional life is fulfilled.
I think it can be fascinating to study sexual fantasies and see how they affect our relationships. It's like a letter from our deepest selves introducing us to our sub-conscious attitudes. That can lead to great healing and true love and excitement. I would never deny the joy of a sexual fantasy, as long as it is understood and is channeled into a relationship of respect, safety and boundaries.
