Why are so many relationships just beyond belief doomed?
The three things to avoid LIKE THE PLAGUE
There has been a divorce epidemic for some time now. It seems that you're not cool if you stay married to the same person for too long. Our parents stuck it out, so we've got to do our own thing.
And so often it is a tragic error that we spend a lifetime regretting.
Divorce, breaking up or ending a relationship at any particular stage can be necessary, even a matter of life or death. At other times, though, it is simply running away from something that THREATENS to be good. "His fingers are a little bent" so she has to dump him. If this is you, see the article on commitmentphobia. If you are better grounded, and considering breaking up, here are three reasons why you should.
Violence, verbal or otherwise
It has been demonstrated to be so. People who were abused as kids often are attracted to partners who will be violent and abusive to them. The why is not so important here, but, briefly, it relates to self-image. We are comfortable in our self image, even if it's negative. If we were taught that we're "bad" as kids, and deserve to be hurt, then that is what we (subconsciously) seek as we grow up.
Either way, it is a tragic circle. The abused partner blames themself, reinforcing that horrible self-esteem of childhood. They feel miserable, but can't bring themselves to say straight out, "This guy is an abusive creep and I do NOT deserve to be treated this way." They can't say it because they don't emotionally believe it, even though it is 100% true. NO ONE should EVER stay in a violent relationship of abuse - physical or verbal.
You probably will want professional help in getting out and rebuilding a healthy sense of self. It can be done, has been done and HAS TO be done. All people have a right to safety, love and support.
Infidelity
"I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again..."
To paraphrase Gilbert and Sullivan, "What, never? Well, hardly ever." Is that OK with you?
If so, go right ahead. If not, beware. Once a cheater, often always a cheater. I never like to say always, but odds are. Cheating on a marriage can be simply the commitmentphobe screaming for help, a person who truly has turned from the relationship, or, worse, a person who does not value honesty and respect.
None of these are good, of course, but the second and third are the worst. If that's him/her, plan to get out. You won't be able to have a stable relationship with this person, you don't want them parenting your children. The first may deserve a little patience, because it's all about him, not about you. He probably loves you, but marriage causes him to panic. I would never accept cheating for any reason, so an ultimatum is probably in order.
If he's willing, go to counseling. Help the commitmentphobe be capable of surviving and thriving in a committed relationship. If he can't, do what you have to. You do not deserve to be hurt again and again.
Bad Influence
Your S.O. does drugs, robs banks, cheats people etc... She/he loves you, is totally committed, and has so many vices that are dragging you down. Is this a person to have kids with?
No.
Marriage is to be a framework for growth and completeness. It is not the foundations of a crime organization or a partnership for self-destruction. If you are eating yourself to an early grave, you want her to stop you, not feed you. If he's doing business with dangerous types, put your foot down, or get out of the house before someone blows it up.
Sharing values is, perhaps, the MOST important feature of a marriage. Make sure you share values, and that they are GOOD ones. The endless pursuit of pleasure and materialism are BAD values, especially for a relationship. That's because they emphasize the "me", and sooner or later that "me" may find something more pleasureful than "you". Get my drift?
Summary
There are other reasons to get out of a relationship, and mitigating circumstances to stay in a tough relationship. I feel that violence, infidelity and bad values are red lines. In any event, when in doubt or when suffering, you should have someone responsible who you trust to hold a mirror to you. They needn't make your choices for you, but they should give you objective feedback.
You don't want someone who makes you feel good for this, rather someone who really cares about you and is smart and objective. Someone who can say "this lady will never be faithful to you, this guy is headed for jail, she is really worth the extra patience because she is trying so hard" and so forth.
Again, bottom line: A real healthy relationship is one where each partner grows and improves together with the other. Awesome, hope you ALL find it, because you DESERVE it.
